lets huddle up

okay. i'm leaving town in a week for a month. its time to get some stuff out here on the webs and make way for the end o summer nor'western adventure to happen.

on this lovely rainy friday.

not a thing

whoa

BLEEDING TO DEATH BITCHES
WHATS THE FUCKING POINT
HOW DEPRESSED AM I?
this depressed.


Um ok edit this shiz its 7/23 and although, one day later, I am still upset and feeling fml suicidal... i just had an adventure. I feel like i need to remind myself here and now that this is the intentionet and anything is possible. maybe i will die quite soon! but i sorta thought it'd be at another person's hand.

is it a choice?

i mean, i know i can choose to conceal my emotions during the day, workshifts and school and such. i can meet someone for a drink or dinner, heck even makeout a bit without getting upset.

except for that lardbag i met the other night.
oh god, that guy was such a terrible ..aries! hanging with him was a bit of a wakeup call. although his zodiac lessons were interesting.. he was judgmental and rude, pushing my damn boundaries. (ok, admittedly, i wasn't holding good boundaries myself. still a lardbag though). He talked to me as if i were a child... about who i'd "be" in the future, after i "became a woman", like 34 is the age of wisdom. it was after i had opened myself to him, foolishly, after a drunken "star signs" talk at the bar. he was contradictory and kind of predatory creepy, taking me to these vulnerable places and then trying to makeout and then i just bled harder and got really angry.

whatever. i feel too weak to think rationally about dating men. or about having weird conversations with them. i'm having this bad feeling i'll die before i'm 30.

oh shit but this is supposed to be an uplifting edit. whoops!

um. okright well i may well die real soon and that could be my damn purpose, or my passion rather. this uterine, hormonal hell could be the great drama of my relatively short life. Yet even though i'm awfully weepy and bloody and anemic i can Still Put Up a FIGHT. fight to the fucking death. i'm an American and I had better utilize some of this potential before it all drains out between my legs. so i'm going on my fucking vacation even if its the last one i take. i need some sun, sea, women, wine and weed. and dogs, of course there must be dogs.

invisible light

lugar bonito

Lately I've really been enjoying Astrud Gilberto's 1965 album, "Look to the Rainbow". On it there's a track called 'Lugar Bonito', and as many songs go, I've been trying to find the tabs for it. If anyone ever actually reads this and double-actually knows that song and an easy guitar chord progression, we should really get in touch. It appears I may have to just seek out piano sheet music and go from there. I settled for searching for vidz on the tubez but all that came up is this kind of amazing eulogy slideshow. Wow.



My internet is very slow so I watched about half and then while I waited for the rest to load I read the video caption. And then i watched the 2nd half and cried. She looks really nice and cool, and like she was living a fulfilling, beautiful life. I find myself at a loss (9.11!? dang..) when i thought this video was going to be random dead aunt win... this person (Heather, I gather) is beautiful and I like her and she's definitely my new inter-ghost friend. Thanks for the heads up, about seizing life with zest, Heather!

You Are Tired (I Think)

You Are Tired (I Think)

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we’ll leave it far and far away
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And I knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart
Open to me!
For I will show you places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I’ll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

E.E. Cummings

smart guys

three quotes to add sparkle to your day!!!!!

"It is here
that we encounter
the central theme of existentialism:
to live is to suffer,
to survive is to find meaning in the suffering."
- Victor Frankl






"Human beings, whoever they may be,
consciously or unconsciously look for a meaning to their lives.
They need a reason to live and, each day, try to find it
through all that their domestic, social and professional life give them.
But in reality no success, no material possession can give them the meaning of life,
precisely because it is a matter of 'meaning',
and meaning is not a material reality;
it can only be found up above on the subtle planes.
In the lower regions, we can find only forms.
Of course we can fill up the form with content,
which is in the feeling, the sensation we experience
when we truly love an object, a person or an activity.
But feeling is often temporary,
and when we lose it, we are left with a sense of emptiness and pain.
So we must look beyond the content for the meaning.
When we reach the meaning, we are fulfilled."
- Mikhaël Omraam Aïvanhov




"It is only when we realize that life is taking us nowhere
that it begins to have meaning."
- P.D. Ouspensky

new moon american

sigh sigh sight of delicious tears. i am lost again within myself.
oh, the crosses we bear.