creators cavern

what's up? "the greatest hits, dude"

 whats up? blogger took away my secret time machine function for posts. so this is out of date.


hmm. went back to arizona after 2 depressing months at my parents house. just got back to parents house feeling pretty weird. what i learned:

This time, Arizona taught me that:**i have amazing friends** who are there for me and i can be there for, in so many ways. fuck yeah rad peeps doin awesome stuff and having fun! taking hikes drinking beers prairie palooza 2012 battlestar galactica 4/20 party with the beats and the bluegrass and the beautiful Pentacostal with the van who i went down on for the first time in his life and my life my life my life is wild and the sadnesses of it all with the Dudes and his room and the light on his face as i took him in my mouth down in the meadow by the creek in the sun swallowing whole and now i am empty. self grasping i only seem to realize the presence of something to miscalculate after its gone. empty. void. like some place you sat, ripped away and seriously took a some stuff with it, we were so stuck together. of course we can't stick together. of course i gotta go again and hang out with the people who are steady in my life: these women. but perhaps there is some steady love affection unadulterated kisses and boundaries i lay like iron rod that will save the day and fuck saving the date i'll live alone and prosper. and apparently no one in the this world will stand up for shit, and you have to depend upon yourself to do it yourself. especially men, or at least some christian men.

also: i am attracted to assholes who break my heart and waste my life.
also: i am attracted to beautiful people who treat me with respect and consideration.
also: all sorts of people are into the big jesus and that is so interesting and i feel such divide.

also:

really stoked to go to argentina in 2 weeks with ellen. i am so excited to see tania, and all the travel sandwiches in between. and i'm turning 25 and i am so overwhelmed.

OK BACK TO BUSINESS
KARAOKE GREATS
i did karaoke in sheridan wyoming on my way down south last month. i drove to the eagles club on the corner on a friday night, alone. since it was an eagles club you can smoke inside and it had this huge domed ceiling and there was a girl with downs syndrome singing "pony" by geniwine and i sang "sugar walls".it was amazing.

 it was also pretty white trash and thank god, i wore my flannel. one guy bought me beer, i  two-stepped to a karaoke song with another. some people started talkin to me and telling me i was pretty and invited me to RAILS in sheridan which is a shitty bro bar with black lights and erratic djs playing mostly girl jams. but not the good girl jams. danced all night.

i did karaoke in prescott and that sweet pentacostal came with and a nice older gay man bought us beer and kept winking! and sang bonnie tyler! i sang "twilight time", "stand by you", and part of "lovefool" but it was scratched and skipping.

impermalinks

i was home for four days in april. returning to this uncomfortable comfort-zone of television and tall ceilings. spring in montana is still winter, so sleeping outside was out of the question, i flung my restless body to sleep on the window seat by the baby grand, my room upstairs too nostalgic to bear. "the house is haunted", i would swear, conducting late night seances in the basement, fabricating dream-laced riddles about who and what was here before us. but a space is only what we make of it, our dances making circles in the dirt. mine was made in the cluttered middle room of the second floor, sandwiched in between older sister and brother. mom has since painted over, redone, hanging a giant painting of me across from the cream bed frame. tucked the majority of my stuff away from guest-eyes, i guess her eyes. everything is in tones of cream, beige and yellow. the colors remind me of white people throwing up. at least now, and always, the rainbow of colors and textures which are my things have risen up against this bland structure. always, i have considered myself a rebel, but in fact it becomes clearer with age that i am wrong. wrong. way off.

i cant only blame myself for these surroundings. family systems theory stuff is rearing its head as i automatically revert into old fucked up patterns that suck days dry of actual creativity and progress. so fucking self-indulgent. but we're all so self-involved around here... so self-fulfilling of our prophecies and dad with his terrible attitude and me with my terrible attitude and good god its like they want me to succeed but the version of success they have is impossibly foreign from mine. enabled becomes the enabler. ew.

we all see how fucked up each other is but no one says anything ... except for me. i always talk too much and so am written off immediately by dad, mom bro. a chain reaction. the chains of reactions! its like we talk about nonsense, just nonsense, all the time and meanwhile these feelings just keep festering and i want to stab about 3 different men in the eyes and i know that is not ok and of course i never would but this kind of anxiety is really bad for my health and my relations with the relations. i see my father's skeptic pessimism and raise him an existential wrinkle in the brow. he reminds me of my debts and doesnt see me pay. he calls the shots and she aims. before, four days was just enough. i'm one week in and killing time and my body wants out already.

i just feel like such a piece of shit and being back 'home' again is hella depressing.
my parents enforce nothing so i do nothing and trap myself inside watching so much battlestar and hating my brother who has been doing the same for 4 years here. i'm super late for my period and all this energy is building up. thank the gods there are puppies.

wanna party like an animal? learn to live in the jungle.

I hear you call it civilization
It's a jungle out there
It's a jungle out there
Unending nights of temptation
It's a jungle out there
But you just don't care
Each night you dress up to kill them

Down at the watering hole
You stalk your prey with high fashion
With self control, you play the roll
The lonely and the lonely heart hunters
The neon love life, oh it cuts like a knife
I hear you call it civilization
It's a jungle out there
It's a jungle out there

The sounds and shadows surround you
You're swinging vine to vine
Below the nightmare it gathers
It's like a jungle, at feeding time
Clawing through the crowd each night
Oh you set your trap so carefully, a trophy for your wall
Someone has you in their sights
You are both the hunters and the prey, no winners at all
I hear you call it civilization
It's ajungle out there
It's a jungle out there
Unending nights of temptation
It's ajungle out there
But you just don't care

Unending nights of temptation
It's a jungle out there
It's a jungle out there
Civilization! oh!
It's ajungle out there
You call it civilization
It's a jungle out there
It's a jungle out there

worry lines

since i last wrote


the sorrow of helena blew me away
heading south for warmer stays
 i found myself amongst the youth
of boulder, denver, and my own body too

once again i paid a stranger
to touch my soul and draw it nearer
realigning body and distancing from anger
happily deluded into visions of your angles
i eagerly pressed too hard the whole time

and once again i have sold it back
in fury with bottles, in your bed, in my heart
by running behind on already laid track
did we fuck what we made, i loved it the same
the damn flame's a fire i don't want to put out.
i want to hold you holy, grinning
making weird living lovable and your love
unstoppable and my head so grounded and
clear in my bounds.

and here again, in prescott i am thinning
feeling bad feelings and not eating dinner
and wishing i wasn't so crazy, for you,
and wishing i wasn't so crazy,  for me.

i am a bulldozer i am a taurus
i am a fool who believes in the sources
but unrealizing i guide my own body
toward ridiculous crushes my soul cannot touch.

and now here i am, all the sex building up
into crumbling surfaces of dishonest doubts
and my heart has a hard-on
and my hard-on went soft
when it heard you preferred me not being about

im not for it but i'm not against it
i'll do what you want, or compromise to an extent
but why the fuck did i come back here
if just to figure out that shit



i think i'm in love
but i'm still broke and sick

Fright Night

A lousy poem about sex

Consentual is not a word recognized by spellcheck.
I want you to hold back with me,
and mine in mind, please do that.

Instead we roll turned on and on
you don't want to walk me home.
And when we do you lecture me
cause you're the older one.

Like doing drugs without the sun
Like crying without tears
This is why I don't have sex
I'm sentimental and queer.

Please don't call me
I will not call you.
I'll avoid having sex
Cause it makes me want love too.

Ed. note: bad bad bad poetry should die, but what should really die is my shit attitude about sex right now.
seriously. okay, i've been working on avoiding sexin since my teens, but mostly my goal is to make right with my body and honor what feels safe and healthy. i'm upset with myself, not for having sex, but for not listening to myself yet afuckingain. yet again. thats the pain right there. right there in my chest.

although my dry spell was feeling really good and intentional, lets call a spade a spade. I wasn't totally comfortable with my relationships in ptown being sexually/spiritually radical enough, even if i made myself a good reputation in that town and proud by holding prudish boundaries.

Its okay that i had sex with this dude and that i never have to again, since what i feel today is just false longing and withdrawal from someone i do not know. I made sure to be grateful for the situation and I am, to be greatful for the sexual energy and to send it to the creative and healing love for my body and reproductive system. that was the first time i have had sex in a year. holy shit. this is a moment to be celebrated, even if it wasn't the best!

WASN'T THE BEST BUT
WAS FOR THE BEST.